


RICHIE TOZIER presents TRASH THIS MOUTH

by jortsbian



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Comedy, M/M, Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-22 23:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23268841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jortsbian/pseuds/jortsbian
Summary: A transcript-style comedy routine set after Derry.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier (mentioned)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 119





	RICHIE TOZIER presents TRASH THIS MOUTH

**Author's Note:**

> some of these stories/jokes are based off of my own life and i would not like to disclose which they are

RICHIE TOZIER presents TRASH THIS MOUTH. Subtitles provided by Netflix.

[Cheers as Richie Tozier takes the stage. He waves and grins as he picks up the microphone]

Hello! Hi, welcome, thanks for having me back. It’s great to see everyone. Well, no, actually, I can’t see anything, the stage lights are very bright. But I’m so glad to see a bunch of shadowy figures in the audience!

Wow, it’s been a while, huh? And what a time I’ve had! I met up with all of my friends from middle school during my break, actually. You should see them, it’s a real blast from the past. Hey, speaking of middle school, let’s play a sleepover game. [Richie puts on a high pitched, sassy voice] Never have I ever… gotten a call from a childhood friend that a  _ different _ childhood friend tried to off himself two minutes before a show, taken to the stage anyways, forgotten all of my jokes and my name, gone M.I.A. for three months, come out over Twitter, and disappeared again until now? [Richie puts a finger down and drops the voice] What, just me? Laaame.

...It’s okay to laugh about that. It’s a comedy show! Don’t feel bad for laughing!

Yeah, so I met my childhood friends again. Super neat, by the way. They’re all hot and successful now, so they decide to use their power to make fun of me on the internet. Modern innovation, people. It’s what the internet is for, I’m sure. Actually, one of my friends--Beverly Marsh, the one and only, maybe you’ve heard of her? [Pause for a few cheers] Yeah, yeah, I love her too, whatever. She’s always been this cool, even in the 80’s. It’s unfair. Anyways, she apparently didn’t like my coming out tweet very much. [Pause for more cheers] Alright, alright! Maybe “I’m gay, sorry to all women” wasn’t the most tactful way of putting it. To be fair, I meant “sorry for the terribly misogynistic jokes” and not “sorry my dick isn’t interested in you,” but I see how it could’ve been confused. But her response: [He clears his throat and mimes holding a sheet of paper to read from] “Pretty sure this doesn’t make up for your entire career but it’s a step in the right direction,” followed by a thumbs up emoji, now  _ that _ blew up. Her great roast was all over BuzzFeed and shit for weeks! It’s terrible. No one knew that she gets off much better digs at me on the daily in our group chat, but whatever. She knew me in middle school, it's entirely justified.

You know how you’re a total dipshit in middle school and it feels so important all the time? Literally everything in middle school is the end of the world. Or at least it was in small-town Maine in the 80’s, but maybe that’s just me. [Pause for one very enthusiastic cheer] Wow, or maybe not. Hey, come meet up with me after the show. Maybe we have some things in common.

My middle school career was very strange. First of all, the town I grew up in had a weirdo in a clown suit that went around murdering kids. [A few groans from the audience] Listen, I know! The killer clown thing was sooooo overdone last year. But that wasn’t actually a joke, and if you look it up, you can find some real weird shit. But hey, maybe that’s just Maine. [He puts on an exaggerated accent] Ayuh, we’ve got lobstas and stahs and the child muhdeh capitol of the US. You think that’ll be enough to fuck up a generation of kids?

No one would dare to say I “have my life together”. [He says this with exaggerated finger quotes.] But I’m much better at pretending to be a functioning adult now than I was in middle school. Middle school Richie had even thicker glasses, a permanent status as class clown, and no Adderall. You can imagine the kind of kid I was. I was absolutely the “do anything for a dare or a laugh” kid. It was unbearable. One time I got a ruler stuck in my nose because my friend was having a bad day and I wanted to make him laugh. Terrible.

That’s not the worst thing I did in school, to absolutely no one’s surprise. There was one time-- [He cuts off to laugh at himself] I shouldn’t laugh at my own jokes, I’m sorry. That’s so unprofessional. I was in class and this girl who sat next to me was very sweet. Loved origami, ate fruit snacks every day. Sometimes she shared them with me. If I was straight, we would’ve gotten married. That’s the perfect woman.

Anyways, I got very into the habit of eating her fruit snacks, to the point where sometimes I didn’t look up when I saw her put something on my desk and just ate it right away. This is the perfect example of hubris, actually, because one day I saw her put a little red thing on my desk and thought “ah shit, a sweet treat!” and popped that sucker right into my mouth. But then I realized that something was terribly, terribly wrong, because what I tasted was not vaguely rubbery artificial fruit flavoring but paper. And so I looked at her, and she looked at me like I had just kicked a puppy right in front of her and whispered [He whispers into the microphone in a high, shocked voice]  _ “My swan!” _ and I realized that I had eaten her origami. [Pause for laughs] Pretty bad, huh? I was so fucking embarrassed. But I didn’t want her to know that it was an accident, either, and I couldn’t just spit it out, so I stared her dead in the eyes and  _ chewed and swallowed it, _ completely deadpan. It was probably the only joke opportunity I ever skipped in school. [Extended pause for laughter] It didn’t help my loser reputation, I’ll tell you that. I don’t think I ever lived it down.

Every loser thinks college is gonna be their time to shine. Their big chance to live, right? High school Richie definitely saw every movie about college kids and thought [He puts on a nasally, high voice] “sex and drugs and going to class in pajamas sounds totally wicked.” Don’t think I really thought that one through. Drugs? Cheeeck. Was definitely stoned out of my gourd more often than not. Going to class in pajamas? Eh. [He shakes his hand in an ‘iffy’ gesture] Have to actually  _ go _ to class for that one to count, but the pj’s were definitely there. But sex? Hey, teen Richie, you’ve got waaayyy more issues to work through before you get there, buddy.

In college I was a mess. I mean that. I was high as shit most days of the week and  _ super _ horny, like most college kids are, but also  _ super _ unwilling to do anything about it. What was I supposed to do, talk to a guy and ask him to fuck? Uh,  _ pass. _ That required way more balls than I ever had, no thank you! And it wasn’t like I was smart enough to go to a sex shop and say “hey, this dildo is for my definitely real girlfriend, and absolutely not for me. I’m pretty sure I don’t even have an asshole, actually. Please don’t look at me funny or I might burst into tears.” So what did I do? I got creative.

You know when you go off to college and a well-meaning family member gives you a toolbox with, like, five different tools in it? Like “hey, I know you never figured out where to put your limbs and that you’re the biggest klutz on the planet, so you’re definitely gonna break shit every other day. I don’t think you’ve ever touched a tool in your life, but maybe having a wrench will make me feel better about shipping you off to the other side of the country.” [Pause for laughs] Yeah! I’m glad we all had the same life experiences. Anyways, there was one day when my roommate went home for the weekend and I sat myself down and thought, “okay. Today’s the day I put something in my ass.”

[Pause for laughter mixed with cheers] There’s gotta be some reason people do it, right? I was determined to figure it out! But I didn’t have anything more than my hands, a bunch of weed, an old bottle of lotion, the memory of the single gay porn video I’d rented once for our shitty VCR player, and the shit I kept in my dorm. So I dug around in my drawers for a while and I found this completely untouched toolbox and I thought  _ huh! _ A screwdriver is vaguely phallic in shape, right? And it meant I didn’t have to use both hands at once, which was obviously a plus. I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

So fast forward thirty minutes. I’m blasting Blur, because apparently I thought nothing would tell my neighbors I definitely wasn’t jerkin’ it like playing English rock, and I’ve successfully shoved the entire handle of this screwdriver into my asshole after minimal prep and a  _ lot _ of lotion. And, okay, can I be real? It didn’t feel bad! I wasn’t, like, blown away, but it definitely could have been worse. So I’m cranking one out and trying very hard to think sexy thoughts and not about the entire situation and then I say, out loud, “this is a whole new way of getting screwed.” [Pause for laughter, mostly Richie’s] And then I laugh so hard I have to stop! I totally lose the mood because of a joke that definitely wasn’t that funny! So I finally get a hold of myself and really evaluate my situation, namely the fact that I was totally flaccid and had a tool stuck in my ass, and I yank it out and decide not to do that again. Probably one of the few moments of clarity in my life. 

You know those things that definitely seem like a good idea in the moment, but in retrospect you’re just like what… the fuck? Like, what was my reasoning there? One time I ate a moth because someone told me to. I don’t even have a good excuse, I was, like, 30. That’s something that’s barely acceptable in your teens, but definitely not at 30. By 30 you think you’re supposed to have your life together.

That’s the thing, though! Life is just a cycle of thinking the next stage of your life is when it all gets real, over and over again! At this point, I think I miiight have a clue what I’m doing when I’m 70, but I’m not sure! I’m 41 and I still forget to eat dinner if my boyfriend doesn’t remind me! [Pause] Yeah,  _ aww. _ It’s not cute, it’s sad. Especially because he’s just as much of a wreck as I am, just in different ways. 

He and I, we love to bicker. We’ve been arguing since we met in ‘83 and I don’t think there’s a break in sight. Doesn’t look like either of us are gonna compromise anytime soon, but if we do, I’ll be the first to alert the presses.  _ Hello, hello, we finally had more than five minutes of quiet! Oh, nope, he just fell asleep. False alert, sorry. _ It’s perfect. I love it so much. The other day he was screaming at me because he refused to believe Iceland is European and I just about dropped to my knees right there. One or two, your choice. Either works.

[Pause for laughter] He didn’t believe me! He thought it was in North America! I’ve literally never been more in love with anyone in my  _ life. _

Anyways, he and I go together like a dick in a zipper. You sure don’t  _ expect _ it to work, but it hurts really bad to separate ‘em and you might realize  _ hey, I kinda like this! _ He’s “5’9” [Richie does exaggerated finger quotes] which means he’s 5’8 on a good day and wears shoes with a little bit of a heel, and he’s cranky as  _ shit  _ all the time. It’s fantastic! And he has so many buttons to push and I push all of them!

We live in an apartment, because shockingly, stand-up comedians aren’t actually paid that much, and while he does have a fancy-schmancy office job, he also has a metric shit ton of medical bills! America! Gotta love it. Anyways, it’s a nice apartment with lots of nice things and neighbors who like to fuck like it’s nobody’s business. It’s incredible! They’re so loud! I can’t even get mad because I’m so impressed. I could be on the other side of the apartment and I’d still be able to hear them banging on the wall hard enough that you’d think they’re trying to get through it, horny Kool-Aid man style. [He puts on an impression of the Kool-Aid man having sex]  _ Oh yeah, oh yeah, ohhh yeah! _

So one day, they were really going at it, and my boyfriend and I were both home because he was sick and I was playing sexy nurse. And see, he was really irritable because he hates being sick more than just about anything in the world, so they started up and he was like [he drops his voice into a lower octave and pinches his nose] I’b gonna call the fffffucking landlord, I swear to god. [He drops the voice] And I don’t want him to get upset, ‘cause I know his throat is sore and if he starts yelling at someone he won’t stop to breathe until they’ve gotten past the “why is this tiny man yelling at me” phase and gone through every stage of grief, so I tell him  _ don’t worry babe, I got this _ and I do my very best impression of every gay porno I pretended not to watch in college, which I will not replicate right now because I will probably be arrested for public indecency. 

Apparently, he was not a fan. Maybe it was too sexy for his deathly ill body, but he decides to scold  _ me _ instead of our neighbors, which is fine. Pretty sure my neighbors think I’m super into the weirdest degradation, just  _ you are so not funny, that’s so immature, are you seriously still thirteen?  _ It’s okay, ribbing is his love language. But it got them to stop, so all was well, right?

Wrong! Because guess who got a call from the landlord with a noise complaint? [He pauses dramatically for laughter and speaks in a complete deadpan] I have never seen him so angry in the thirty-four years I’ve known him. He yelled at me for so long and I could not stop laughing, and then he just yelled more! I laughed so hard I threw up on our bed! I wasn’t even the one that was sick!

So let’s try that game again. Never have I ever done any of those things I just described. [He puts down several fingers, counting exaggeratedly as he does so] Lemme see those hands. Tens all around, yeahh-- hey, hang on, you’ve got a finger down! Man, I would  _ love _ to know which of those stories we have in common. [An audience member shouts “landlord!” and Richie laughs] Shit, I guess I’ve gotta take that out of my act. Thanks, bud. Maybe I should try that “forgetting all my jokes” thing again. Alright, let’s start this show over. 

Hello, hello, welcome to the show! Thanks for coming! So my girlfriend caught me masturbating to her friend’s Facebook page, and she took one look at the guy’s page I had pulled up and my The Cure shirt and said “hey, Rich, you’re gay and I’m less real than your college sex life. The only thing worse than this bit is that your ghostwriter actually thinks it’s funny and that so much of your audience seems to agree.” So I said yeah, you’re right, but why not go to Masturbators Anonymous anyways? My right hand could use a break, maybe they could offer some tips. I’m alllllll about the tip, ya’know. So I showed up and I said, “my name is Richie Tozier and one time I killed my boner by laughing too hard at my own joke and now I’ll never look at a screwdriver the same way again,” and they said, “alright, sir, I’ve got you for a Big Mac with a large fry and a Sprite?” and I realized I’d been haunted by clowns, Ronald McDonald included, my entire life.  _ But Richie, _ you might say,  _ you weren't haunted by clowns in your adulthood, were you? _ The answer to that is 9 times out of 10 no. So I thought real hard about it and came to the conclusion: maybe the real clown was me all along. I mean, here I am, performing onstage to make people laugh. Waka-waka honk honk! So I told that poor McDonald's employee "no, I don't want any food. But hey, never have I ever actually had sex with a woman." And that is how I renewed my childhood ban from the only drive-thru restaurant in Derry, Maine.

Goodnight, everybody! 

[Richie exits the stage as the audience cheers, waving as he goes. The camera pans out to show the crowd as credits begin to roll.]

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! please leave comments and/or kudos if you enjoyed!
> 
> if anyone here reads the boy who cried (wolf), i'm still working on chapter 4! you probably know as well as i do that life right now has taken a turn for the weird and has just been full of doozies in general, but it's almost done! with any luck it'll be up by the end of the week. chapter 5 is also half-written, 4 is just giving me a lot of trouble. i wrote this as a warm-up for that, actually, and it's just gotten out of hand. 
> 
> i hope it made you laugh!


End file.
